Two striking issues in our time are a pervasive loneliness and an absence of solitude. Both of these tend to undermine our sense of worth. Both are also made worse by the excessive even addictive use of cell phones. Two personal experiences illustrate the difference between a painful loneliness and a more tranquil solitude. I recall going to conferences in an unfamiliar city and hotel. Sitting in that hotel room, empty of any connections or warmth, felt very lonely. On other occasions, I would find myself in my own home, when others who lived there and with whom my life was bound up, were absent. It was an enjoyable time alone, not just as a welcome relief, but because there was an atmosphere of familiarity, warmth and presence.
As an example of loneliness, there comes to mind an all too common situation. A while ago, I saw four people in a restaurant, apparently two parents and their teenage children. All were on their cell phones and no one was looking at or speaking to anyone else at the table. They are texting someone else. It has been reported that young people today are lonelier than ever before. One element here is that in cell phone contact, what is missing is tangible physical presence. In case of texting, contact by sight or voice or body language is absent–everything that gives colour and nuance. It is these forms of tangible presence elements alleviate unnecessary loneliness
Certainly, there is an inevitable loneliness that is part of the human condition. If lived with recognition and acceptance, this inescapable loneliness can lead to greater awareness, sensitivity, and compassion. Yet there is also a debilitating loneliness that comes from isolation, from lack of human presence, from lack of tangible human caring, given and received. Even small gestures of kindness to a teller in a bank, a cashier in a supermarket, or a stranger met casually, can alleviate that kind of loneliness. Even more important is tangible contact with someone close. Another key factor is intimate conversation in which we allow entrance to our vulnerability. In every case the overcoming of escapable loneliness in ourselves and others calls for tangible caring presence.
At the same time, if we are always on our phones visibly, our attention is always from outside in. We are not present to ourselves, we are not at home to ourselves. We are like absentee landlords in our own mind and heart. We are without the solitude that is necessary for wholeness, creativity, and meaningful relationships. Being at home to ourselves, and feeling at home with ourselves, and every dimension of ourselves is one approach to solitude.
It is a matter of time spent quietly by ourselves, in which we allow what is within to rise to the surface of our awareness. If we do so, we may notice the whole range of feelings that are present. While at first this may occasion uneasiness within us, if we attend to these feelings without judgment and with compassion, several things may arise. We may find that beneath our fear or hostility may lie a longing for understanding, love and meaning, and a trust that our hope is not n vain.
Henri Nouwen has described this experience quite eloquently. “To be calm and quiet all by yourself is hardly the same as sleeping. In fact, it means being fully awake and following with close attention every move going on inside you. …Perhaps there will be much fear and uncertainty when we first come upon this unfamiliar terrain, but slowly and surely we begin to see developing an order and a familiarity which summon our longing to stay home.
“With this new confidence, we recapture our own life afresh from within. Along with this new knowledge of our ‘inner space’ where feelings of love and hate, tenderness and pain, forgiveness and greed are separated, strengthened or reformed, there emerges the mastery of the gentle hand. . .whereby persons once again become master over their own house. …“If we do not shun silence, all this is possible. But it is not easy. Noise from the outside keeps demanding our attention and restlessness from within keeps stirring up our anxiety. … whenever you do come upon this silence, it seems as though you have received a gift, one which is promising in the true sense of the word. The promise of this silence is that new life can be born. It is this silence which is the silence of peace and prayer. . . . In this silence, you lose the feeling of being compulsive and you find yourself a person who can be himself along with other things and other people. . . . In this silence, the false pretences fade away, and you learn to see your life in its proper perspective.”
Once again, it is the uncovering of our own worth, and that of all else, as the deepest reality. This conviction, in turn, makes it possible the ability to live gradually into understanding, compassion, and justice.
Norman King., August 12, 2024
